Dispair

Nov is almost over Xmas will be on us before we know it ............................
feeling sorry for myself walking getting harder, the pain is on me almost all the time. is this how i must live, ??????????????????
l have sausage fingers and feet. l don't know why l just do forgetting things all the time l can be speaking and stop because l have no idea what it was that l"m saying.

mixed up

what a day Andy my love will be home at about 8:30pm he has been gone since Monday morning.
l find it very nerve raking lve been more jumpy than usual sometimes l truely think Andy would be better off without me but then l think what if he went away and l never saw again l'd be heart broken. l don't think Andy really knows how deep our love is, he has become the centre of my life.
Celly is cross at me again (nothing new there)
she can be such a bully, she truely beleive she can fix me.
l love her dearly but she is young its a time of beleiving you can fix everything.
Dont know if Chrissie is up or down she is going through a Divorce.
It's an aweful thing to go through l was always scared he would do something evil.
He did he lived  gggggrrrrr
hot flushes are doing my head in, l get hot, l feel like lm melting and then l'm frozen because the hot flush made me sweat so much. cant win never mind one of thoughs things we as human women must go through. l remember my poor mum melting. l miss her, my dear sweet mummy, soft as vevert smart as a whip and smelt so sweet of tweed / flowers. l only had her for 10yrs as we never got on. but the last 10 yrs it was wonderful.
Feeling a bit worried Alan (dec) june1956
Rick (Dec) 16th March 2011 and now Ross (dec) 6th November 2016
greg arranged the funeral at altona cermatoriam it took a month but he did a lovely job, l think if Ross were there he would say "not a bad do".
l cant beleive l miss this much.

dad

it was dad's birthday yesterday
there are times when l don't remember it and other times when it overwhelms me.
l was alone all day the pain in my back and hips is so unbearable at times l could scream. talked to celly last night, she has an opinion on everything. the latest is l must wrap all my bits and bobs and books in the lounge. because she needs to paint that room. the insane thing is, she carried on for monthes because she bought us a lounge suite that we wouldnt use, because we needed to paint the room. now we are using it she's cross because we should have painted the room first  ggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
cant win either way l'm a shit mum end of story

10 - 11 - 2016 another day

don't know what I'm feeling  angry -sad -be wilded - lost its all so confusing. Alan my brother died (June) before l was born. Rick died 16th march 2011 and now Ross has died on 15th October 2016.
They are no longer here.
l find myself not knowing what to think or write.  I've been not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to do anything. its all too much and for what purpose.?????
why did he wait so long before telling me he was dying ??
he knew for 18mths
he told me 2 weeks(Lee's time) real world 6 weeks before he died

feeling a bit lost

its been a week and 2 days since Ross passed away l still don't beleive it. its like something happened and l am the only one who doesn't know.what it was. everything seems to be too hard, l feel like l have lost something important but l don't know what it was, or where l put it .l see him in my head just doing normal stuff like making coffee sitting and chatting.its so unfair.
the day he came here to tell he had terminal cancer he had told me the night before l'm so glad he did as my reaction would have hurt him.so by the next day l could take the news without the denial.and crying he seemed happy l truely hope he was. l will miss the flash visits and coffee and talking about everything and nothing the family is getting smaller and smaller their is only Greg - Garry - Glenn and me, mum and dad gone rick alan and now ross. its scary to think l might only be here for maybe only 10 years

good bye my brother

at 9:45pm this evening my brother Ross David Carter 61yrs old lost his battle with cancer and we lost a very important member of our family l have the wonderful memories of you but lm feeling lost and broken. watching him take his last breathe my eyes filling with sadness and also joy that he could stop fighting, his pain was gone. l love you rossy david missing your cheeky face already xxxx

sad saturday 8-10-2016

went to see my brother Ross in the Sunshine hospital. the cancer is just eating away at him he knew who l was but couldn't work out who Andy was it was heart breaking. he says a few words like "drink , OK, but that's about it. so sad to see him that way. makes you wonder whats going on in his head. he lay there tinged yellow as his liver is going. you find yourself staring at him not knowing what to say, will he understand? does he even know whats happening to him. we stayed 1 and a half hours he has a head twitch its quite unnerving l'm so glad he didn't die on Eve's birthday she was 7 years old yesterday. seeing him like this makes me wonder how will l go. hope l don't just hang around for months. the weather was nice today a pretty spring day. rang Celly to see how boop is, its not looking good poor baby. he's done his best he doesn't want to leave her but the cancer is eating him up sweet boy, always so happy to see us it will be a very sad day when he goes