to my children after I pass away 2014

to my dearest children
I have never told you alot of things I went through to keep you safe and with me.
I ran away from your father because he beat and raped me, for years I was scared out of my mind he tried to kill me sereval times he treatened to kill any family member who helped me leave him. I had never been so frightened in my life he promised he would kill you if I took you away.He promised he would make me suffer you would have had another brother but we had a fight and he beat me unconious, your brothers name is Aiden James he died because your father beat me up so badly that Aiden died when I was only 6mths pregnant with him I never saw him the hospital just took him away,I found him at fawkner cemertry he is close to where my parents are buried he's under a big rock his name is not there but he is with alot of other babies that died at western general hospital footscray (as it was called then). he is the child between Angie and Celly. Your father said "sorry" the day we went to Aunty Marilyns baby (bianca) funeral at a hospital in the city some where, it was the only ackowledgement he ever made of the event. I have always wanted you to have whatever kind of relationship YOU CHOOSE to have with him. But as children I needed to protect you as well as I could . I tried everything in my power to keep you safe and loved I have never loved anyone the way I love you 3. You where my world my sunrise my sunset and laughter and delight. I'm sorry life was so hard but I did my best and hoped that was enough. You are all adults now your life is your own, your choices are your own I have never stopped loving and loving you. I haven't always agreed with what you have said and done but I have NEVER EVER STOPPED LOVING YOU 3.I wanted you to know you where very sweet children you played together laughter together I hate that you don't speak to each other now it breaks my heart but its your choice. If you remember me think kindly of me I did what I felt I had too.
even though I am no longer here where you can touch me I'm in your blood and the blood of your children be at ease my little ones your mother loved you always and forever.

Christmas time

Its the 27th December 2013
its been a heel of a month Andy tore a muscle in the back of his right leg calf area and then got blood clots.
Scans dr scans ect ect oh it went on and panic was just inches away, scared to sleep as he might be dead at anytime. I don't beleive I've ever been that scared.Thank the heavens he is on the mend.
Another xmas devided chrissies xmas day celly boxing day nice day at chrissies her in laws  were but they seemed alot calmer than they have ever been before. Celly is living at a house she is about to pull down nice little place but cel (germ freak) hates it we had japanese food strange xmas food but the company was really great. I've been so tired of late its not anything I'm doing its worry, but that is passing . Now I need to find my house under all this mess. 2014 is just a hickcup away.

3rd november 2013 TECO

we have a wonderful new baby boy TECO HE IS A RED STANDARD POODLE on the 8th of this month he will be 8mths old Andy bought him for my birthday. He is becoming a real good friend he's a bit goofy but very sweet Andy always does the right thing .Wish I did .having strange feelings. Andy Warren and Jordy oh and Evie have been working on my Art Room its almost finished I'm very excited but dreading it too. What if I can;t think of what to do in there?????????????
So many ideas floating through my head what if when the time comes I can't do any
What the saying "cross that Bridge when you Get there"
Keep your fingers crossed for me make it your toes as well

DREAMS

I've not feeling to stable at the moment being plagued with nightmares the 1st night l'd lost a child and was frantic to find it but it was in a strangle little market l searched and searched but couldnt find it anywhere and was terribly upset but cont to search, l woke feeling exhausted and paniced.
last night l dreamed l was carrying around a small baby that was dieing the mother of the baby gave it to me because she was too upset and didnt want the baby to be distressed l carried this baby around a garden and lane ways my heart was breaking i could feel the warmths and the tiny bodie in my arms even as l woke it upset me so l didnt want to move or get out of bed l felt the impression of the babies body for at least 15 mins after l woke it was most distressing and that feeling has stayed with me all day.
the strange thing is l dont know either the child l was looking for or where l was or the mother or the baby or what place l was in. l wonder what it means, is it a message of the future or a wish from the past. mmmmmmmmmmm

A bit Lost

Since my mums birthday 13 july l've been feeling a bit lost. not quite knowing how to shake this feeling off. I miss my parents so much I would give anything just to spend some time with them. Lost Little Girl syndome. All any one can say "well that can't be helped" or "that cant happen" l'm not stupid l know that but it doesn't stop the longing. not been sleeping well chris and warren have been a great help mentally as well as physically. poor  celly l feel is bit lost.

A STORY

Before the people came to live on this planet "Earth" The Moon and the Sun were in love they danced around the solar system together laughing and chasing each other everywhere. A big Planet watched this and became very jealous, why didnt he have someone to to play with and love. After centuries of watching them The big Planet decided he couldn't stand it any more. So he went to another solar system and found a magic planet and asked the magic planet to help him end this nightmare. The magic planet struck up a bargin with the big planet, If I do this, you must stay in your own solar system and be surrounded by flying rocks forever. The big planet didnt think about that at all, he just wanted the stop The Sun and The Moon. So the big planet went back to his solar system and waited. Soon there were crazy lights in the sky and sounds the big planet had never heard before he was scared and started to think maybe he had made a mistake.
The sun shot through the air so quickly and almost disappeared then the sun seemed stuck then The Moon went spinning towards the earth it looked like it was going to crash into it. But it stop just above the earth and started to move with it. The big planet shut his eyes for he knew he was next, he went skidding across space and suddenly he was stuck and rocks came out of no where and surounded him chanting mean things at him. To remind him of what he had done. So forever the Sun is never seen with the moon, but sometimes the moon sneeks around to see her sun and they both smile.

Time marches on

Our bracken has been gone for 3 months now and I still see him I miss him very much We have teco now he's a lovely pup but he's no Bracken. Im sure he will be a lovely dog but I still miss my boy and all my family humans and furries that have gone. Im fine most of the time but it will be mums birthday in 2 days and it reminds me of who's not here anymore. I miss them so much I suppose I always will. Andy seems to be on the mend I'm hoping by being more cheerful and silly will bring back that beautiful smile I fell in love with I hate seeing him so sad and tired. I must keep positive for all our sakes. Its been so cold haven't had such a cold winter in years that too brings back memories not all sad some funny some scary some that make me smile. things are getting better and hoping that will continue