My Birthday

I made it all the way to 53 and its the 1st b'day I have ever been alone

Alone

Its 11pm I'm alone.
Andy is off working its his job to go away , he feels bad but I quite enjoy being alone.
Although I do enjoy him being here.
Everything is so quiet.
I don't talk much when I'm alone but I think of the strangest things.
Like how to make a coat/jumper in pink for eve.
A scarf for Jordy A mini album for Andy I design away in my head but I never do them .
WHY ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I don't know
Strange
I must get a different attitude
I must do not just yhink
but I'm scared
don't know of what ??????????????????????????????????
WHY ???????????????????????
I MUST WORK THIS OUT

GOODBYE SWEET BOY

Wednesday 10th April 2013 My dearset friend Bracken big black puppy died outside the backdoor.
I woke that morning like almost every other day said good morning to all and watched t.v. got ready to go for a massage like I do every wednesday bracken was sunning himself at the backdoor I leaned down and kissed his big furry head and told him "to keep an eye on the cats I'd be home soon" They where the last words I ever said to him.
I drove to Kayes dropped off Lucy to play with harley (her dog) and drove to get my massage in fine spirits. Not knowning my big black Angel was leaving me.
After ther massage I drove back to Kaye and stayed for a Coffee drove home on the way I stopped at the bank (NAB) to sort out some bills . I then drove home still in a fine mood I walked into the house and called out "Bracken" no answer no big furry smiling face so I walked to the back door I thought he was asleep but he was dead. I touched him and knew he was gone, I walked out drove to the safeway and went to the chemist my mind wouldn't work I broke down in the chemist and I cryed alot drove home and just sat on the backdoor step staring at Bracken and cryed an ocean my heart was broken after quite awhile I covered him with a red blanket and got the fly spray to kill all the flys that were crawling over my sweetheart I did this serval times then I rang Andy and told him the aweful news and cryed again I sat in the lounge my mind would not accept his passing so I went serval times and pulled back the blanket praying he was alright but he was still dead
When Andy finally got home we buried him in the front yard.
I have lost my dear friend, my smily boy and I dont know what I will do without him.
I cling to Andy

Dreams

What a night dreams dreams and more dreams
So strange I don't think I've ever had so many dreams in one night before.
Its been so hot, And all I can do is dream
They where so real but now I don't remember them
just colours blue green and yellow
feeling panic angry scared and so very tired
Dreams are strange things
I wonder why we have them
The hot days will break soon praise the goddess

sad days

Well here we are in March and its so hot . Bracken our sweet gentle boy is dying and I have spent the last 2 days in tears its breaking my heart watch him go bit by bit. I love him so much. He had a good day last Monday but the last few days he won't get up and walk he just crys until he can see me. I know his time is almost up and we have had such fun days together my silent shadow nuserling my hand as we walk around the garden. I will miss him so much. I can't beleive the last 10+ years has gone so fast.
Andy is scaring me with his blood shot eyes and falling asleep if he holds still for more than 10 mins I pray this hard time passes soon. Life is so short Andy and I are already in our 50's when did that happen?????????

MARCH already

Feeling quite foggy today . I pulled the muscle in my tummy from lifting Bracken off the floor poor baby his body is slowly dieing. I love him so much its going to be very sad and not have his happy smiling face to greet me.
Kaye came over today and helped me do the shopping I couldn't have done it without her she's a really good friend.
I miss Andy, even when he is here I know he's not poor darling we just have to wait til his company works things out I just wish it were easiler on him I hate seeing him so tired and there is nothing I can do.
I'm very lucky to have him in my life I really don't know what I would do without him He gives the best cuddles.
My brain isn't working too good I keep forgetting stuff
Well all I have to do now is get better
Wish me Luck  :)

tomorrow

Its HOT not my fav time of the year. Much prefer winter autumn or spring. Andy's in W.A. poor darling working in factory's in this heat which its much hotter there than here.  I miss him its like someone has taken a part of me away, he will be home tomorrow night. Had a massage today still in pain nothing new there. Took Bracken to the vets he has put on 2kg from the meds but is still doing well . Took rose as well the other cats have been having a go at her over the past few days its really strange The Vet (Sara) took a blood test we find out tomorrow whats wrong if anything Lucy is going to a new groomer tomorrow her name is Racheal she lives in Dandenong. Hope it goes well. 
Feeling a little lost