sad day

went to trixy's mum's funeral 29th (today) it was sad but a releif that poor lal was no longer in pain she been so unwell these past few years in a nursing home not being able to feed her self barely beibg able to walk or talk and stroke after stroke after stroke. she was such a beautiful person in looks and in self. trixy's holding up really well l think its  a relief its finally over watching someone you love slip inch by inch can just be too much to bare.
trixy has been divorced 1 yr  now settlement has finally gone through she's thinking of moving back to melbourne to live that will be great. l wonder what her boys will do stay in tassy or move here. lm glad she has finally gotten rid of that evil control freak. now she can be happy and live as she pleases without being insulted 24/7
kay (kerryn) was at the funeral it was brilliant catching up with her, funny she hasnt changed that much at all reminds me a bit of celly with all her diamonds and pearls.
she remembers alot about my 1st marriage l suppose because we where still in touch then. the look on Andy's face poor darling l think it made it a bit too real.
funny Kay knows more about that time than my own kids.
weird my children dont really know me at all
l think alot but l dont tell anyone cos no one really wants to know l understand that if l had a choice l wouldnt want to know either
l hope l see her again
lm so sore and so bone tired but not sleepy my mind is racing in circles l suppose lm lonely its a weird feeling lve never really felt lonely before it will pass lm just tired

betrayed

kaye has been stealing from me and lying to me.
I'm such a fool I think everyone has the same values as me they dont why will I never learn this. My heart has been stomped on AGAIN. there is only one person on the whole planet I can trust, Andy and thats really hard on him. wish I could sleep and forget everything. I'm so tired body and soul. Trust no one less pain that way so over pain

alone 3rd july 2014

its the 3rd of july my mums birthday in 10 days. there are times I feel so alone lost then Andy comes home and I live again its like I'm waiting always waiting. I fill my life with with cats dogs birds and piggies. I love them all dearly. I hardly ever see my children they are grown and have busy lives like I once had. I'm not angry I understand why I dont see them I understand why my husband is missing he too has a busy life. I remember someone once said to me "your like a cork bobbing in the ocean going no where" its taken years for me to understand that. lonely floating along head stuck in yesterday, heart broken over things I cant change. not knowing how to change and when I try my body lets me down and the pain is unbearable but who do I tell ??? if I tell my kids there to busy to do anything, if I tell my husband he freaks out. there is no one I can really talk to, so I talk to myself the cats the dogs the birds and even the piggies. And I dream tomorrow will be better I'm lucky I'm loved.

mothers day

for the 1st time since I had a child 35 years ago I did not see any of my children.
The pain that cause is unimagineable the pain of no mother no best friend of a child I lost and the children I so desprately wanted but couldnt its like poison. the children I did have where too busy to see me that makes me sad .I always hoped Andy and I would have had even 1 child its like proof of our love for each other but that didnt happen it has made me bitter and cruel. my mind screams WHY? I'M NOT A BAD PERSON WHY WHY WHY CANT I HAVE JUST 1 MORE BABY JUST ONE TO ANDY ITS SO UNFAIR THE cruel things that have happened to me this must be the cruelest. i so wanted with all my heart to hold andys baby in my arms and watch it grow to be a fine sweet caring adult just like its father. but once again another dream gone I wonder why I'm here I know life must go on but why all the pain. mum if you can hear know I love you and dad and think of you daily to my son I never knew talk to your grandparents and wait for me. nana I miss you so much I wish we could talk again I need so much to stop this aweful pain may the goddess help me.

15TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Its 15years I've  been married to the most wonderful man. I never dreamed I'd be so lucky. He's so sweet, but he scares me the way he doesn't look after himself but looks after everyone else. I dont want to be alone again, he works too hard and doesnt sleep enough I cant seem to get through to him that this job isnt forever and he must take care if anything were to happen to him. I know I would just die. chrissie seems to be my only child who even half understands me, the other are on some other planet. for whatever reason they beleive they should tell me how to live my life and what to do. I often wonder do they ever think how did mum ever get to 54 on her own, without us demanding she do it our way there lack of respect is very disappointing and down right rude. I brought them up to be there own person but Ang and Cel are not what I expected at all. I just hope there happy and that one day they will find someone (like I have) to share there lives with. Anyway had a wonderful day today went driving with my dear heart and we talked and talked it was fab I do miss him alot but as I told him its not forever but I'II be here forever so when this time has passed everything will be great once more I thank the goddess for brining him into my life

to my children after I pass away 2014

to my dearest children
I have never told you alot of things I went through to keep you safe and with me.
I ran away from your father because he beat and raped me, for years I was scared out of my mind he tried to kill me sereval times he treatened to kill any family member who helped me leave him. I had never been so frightened in my life he promised he would kill you if I took you away.He promised he would make me suffer you would have had another brother but we had a fight and he beat me unconious, your brothers name is Aiden James he died because your father beat me up so badly that Aiden died when I was only 6mths pregnant with him I never saw him the hospital just took him away,I found him at fawkner cemertry he is close to where my parents are buried he's under a big rock his name is not there but he is with alot of other babies that died at western general hospital footscray (as it was called then). he is the child between Angie and Celly. Your father said "sorry" the day we went to Aunty Marilyns baby (bianca) funeral at a hospital in the city some where, it was the only ackowledgement he ever made of the event. I have always wanted you to have whatever kind of relationship YOU CHOOSE to have with him. But as children I needed to protect you as well as I could . I tried everything in my power to keep you safe and loved I have never loved anyone the way I love you 3. You where my world my sunrise my sunset and laughter and delight. I'm sorry life was so hard but I did my best and hoped that was enough. You are all adults now your life is your own, your choices are your own I have never stopped loving and loving you. I haven't always agreed with what you have said and done but I have NEVER EVER STOPPED LOVING YOU 3.I wanted you to know you where very sweet children you played together laughter together I hate that you don't speak to each other now it breaks my heart but its your choice. If you remember me think kindly of me I did what I felt I had too.
even though I am no longer here where you can touch me I'm in your blood and the blood of your children be at ease my little ones your mother loved you always and forever.

Christmas time

Its the 27th December 2013
its been a heel of a month Andy tore a muscle in the back of his right leg calf area and then got blood clots.
Scans dr scans ect ect oh it went on and panic was just inches away, scared to sleep as he might be dead at anytime. I don't beleive I've ever been that scared.Thank the heavens he is on the mend.
Another xmas devided chrissies xmas day celly boxing day nice day at chrissies her in laws  were but they seemed alot calmer than they have ever been before. Celly is living at a house she is about to pull down nice little place but cel (germ freak) hates it we had japanese food strange xmas food but the company was really great. I've been so tired of late its not anything I'm doing its worry, but that is passing . Now I need to find my house under all this mess. 2014 is just a hickcup away.