happy new wonderful year

well here we are another year gone and a brand new happy year ahead l feel this is going to be a wonderful year for me and andy. l have no idea how andy and l ever meet but lve been a very very very lucky girl to have such a wonderful hubby
for the 1st time in years l really think this is going to be a great year
evies first year of school whoa that went quick.
celly not speaking to us but bought us a lounge suite very strange child.
saw elvira and the kids she's very tired but seems happy.
missed seeing my brothers as ross didnt give us a time ?? he's always been strange like that.
garry dropped a huge picture at our front door but didnt knock silly man.
sarah is so exhausted l wish there was more l could do for her.
sadly l didnt make it to queensland lm scared they will die soon and lve not seen them l love them dearly.
maybe this yr fingers crossed

hope for the future

another day of wondering
went to bed last night and Andy was really aweful
but he wasn't awake and he never talks to me like that ever
l think its the end of the most awful year
just haven't been able to catch a trick this yr its just been terrible.
I think we'll just have to rule a line under it and put it behind us.
nightmare or what.
2015 is going to be wonderful for us

sigh

Andy trys so hard to be nice but l feel totally detacted
l dont know what l feel
still in pain
still hurting from the lack of understanding
still smarting from what my - so - called loving children do and dont do
l just want to get away
l want to hide
where no one knows me
where no one can pity me
where l can be me
pain and all
not judged
for my lack of housework, lack of humour, lack of forgiveness.
why has it come to this ??
how do l keep going
where do l go what do l do
l'm screaming inside my head because l know there is no point speaking any more
there is no one left to listen and understand

saturday 6th december 2014 WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT

I SERIOUSLY DONT GET THE POINT
Andy asked me a month ago to make him a poncho brilliant l'd love too BUT at the moment l have tennis elbow the pain is overwhelming things l could do before l cant do now its been almost 2mths l stupidly thought he got that BUT NO HE DIDNT
tonight he asked if l could make a mans size poncho (with my wrecked elbow) by xmas
l almost fell off my chair has he been living under a rock
Or is it that he just doesnt know l'm in pain every day just trying to carry dinner plates from the dishwasher to the cupboard is almost too much.
l've never felt so alone l feel l should go away and forget all humans go live in a forest and hope like hell a bushfire comes and l can no longer be
my kids dont care
my brothers dont care
now
even my husband doesnt care
l'm so angry and so hurt l should have stayed on my own
l dont beleive l'm meant to be around other humans anymore
l'll wait awhile and make plans to go enough is enough
there is no room left for me here

xmas blues

not feeling the best lately ---------confused
its probably xmas coming
 l used to love xmas, but now it just reminds me of what has gone from my life.
when l was little the whole world was wonderful
as l grew my world got smaller and smaller
now its just Andy and the grandbabies and my animals
l am so scared l'm going to loss them too.
1st ming my blue eyed angel
then tiny little churchy who had hung on forever.

who's next it comes in 3's l have one more to loss

that scares me so much, as l dont have alot left

As long as my Andy and grandbabies are ok l'll make it

if not................................................

goodbye for now Church my sweet Angel

20th november2014
church went to get her wings poor baby died in my arms with me whispering how much l loved her
l tried so hard not to cry the poor vet it must be the worst of her job
l made it to the car and broke down howled like a child
church had a brain hemorage ( sure thats not how you spell it)
   
she could feel her body but had no control she couldn't stand she'd just flop to the floor l know she was old l know it was her time but lossing her so soon after Ming just seems really unfair
my heart is having trouble feeling anything but sad and lost
kisses to you my darlings fly free glad there is no more pain miss you both terribly xxoo

november 2014 rabblings of an ol' cranky granny

16th November 2014
it was dad's birthday yesterday l wish he was here so l could talk to him l miss so very much
He would have been 90yrs old if he were still alive
l miss my ming
the piggies have been great fun there so sweet and cute
poor Andy is so tired all the time l feel l've let him down by not working just living off him
l wish so many things where different
l love him so much l really get scared he will go out that door one day and
never come back
l would be so lost without him
l think that would be the end of me
l've been having such aweful dreams
running - hiding - being scared - my skin crawling but l cant see what is doing it
dark such very dark dreams
sounds silly when l write then pdown but i wake my head spinning
pain in my shoulders neck lower back hips and now my arms often one
of my hands has pin and needles
l'm a wreck
wish l could trade this body for one that worked better