16th Jan 2015 another year

well Andy had his hernea operation on monday its now friday poor darlin' l dont think he knew how painful it would be.
l have hated every minute of this watching him in such pain its unbearable, l wish it were me not him l dont think men are made to endure pain poor pet.
no get well cards from our dear children no flowers
l often wonder why my children are the way they are
as they grow older they become more and more selfish
l find l dont really like them at all
l often wonder if this is what my mother felt
the only person to really show concern was Andy's mum shock of shocks.
what the hell does that say about the state of things
l wish l could take the pain for him poor darling he is being so brave
love him so much xxx

january here we go again 2015 wow

crird today
self pity
l put myself in a position where l cant meet ppl to make friends
with, then get all upset that l have no friends.
trouble is l dont like ppl but l'd like to have a friend that wont
betray me. big ask l know. l miss my cats and my parents, my best friend,
my nan and to be honest l miss my own children, but thats my fault l brought
them up to be independant, cos l was always scared they would have to make it without me.
l never really expected to live this long.

really worried about Andy l know l make him worry
about money , about me and my crazy brain
celly was right l'll never leave Andy, not for the reasons she says
but l do really love him more than anything and l would be lost without him.
poor bugger, more pressure on him,as if he doesnt have enough trouble.


wish Autumn would have her babies

happy new wonderful year

well here we are another year gone and a brand new happy year ahead l feel this is going to be a wonderful year for me and andy. l have no idea how andy and l ever meet but lve been a very very very lucky girl to have such a wonderful hubby
for the 1st time in years l really think this is going to be a great year
evies first year of school whoa that went quick.
celly not speaking to us but bought us a lounge suite very strange child.
saw elvira and the kids she's very tired but seems happy.
missed seeing my brothers as ross didnt give us a time ?? he's always been strange like that.
garry dropped a huge picture at our front door but didnt knock silly man.
sarah is so exhausted l wish there was more l could do for her.
sadly l didnt make it to queensland lm scared they will die soon and lve not seen them l love them dearly.
maybe this yr fingers crossed

hope for the future

another day of wondering
went to bed last night and Andy was really aweful
but he wasn't awake and he never talks to me like that ever
l think its the end of the most awful year
just haven't been able to catch a trick this yr its just been terrible.
I think we'll just have to rule a line under it and put it behind us.
nightmare or what.
2015 is going to be wonderful for us

sigh

Andy trys so hard to be nice but l feel totally detacted
l dont know what l feel
still in pain
still hurting from the lack of understanding
still smarting from what my - so - called loving children do and dont do
l just want to get away
l want to hide
where no one knows me
where no one can pity me
where l can be me
pain and all
not judged
for my lack of housework, lack of humour, lack of forgiveness.
why has it come to this ??
how do l keep going
where do l go what do l do
l'm screaming inside my head because l know there is no point speaking any more
there is no one left to listen and understand

saturday 6th december 2014 WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT

I SERIOUSLY DONT GET THE POINT
Andy asked me a month ago to make him a poncho brilliant l'd love too BUT at the moment l have tennis elbow the pain is overwhelming things l could do before l cant do now its been almost 2mths l stupidly thought he got that BUT NO HE DIDNT
tonight he asked if l could make a mans size poncho (with my wrecked elbow) by xmas
l almost fell off my chair has he been living under a rock
Or is it that he just doesnt know l'm in pain every day just trying to carry dinner plates from the dishwasher to the cupboard is almost too much.
l've never felt so alone l feel l should go away and forget all humans go live in a forest and hope like hell a bushfire comes and l can no longer be
my kids dont care
my brothers dont care
now
even my husband doesnt care
l'm so angry and so hurt l should have stayed on my own
l dont beleive l'm meant to be around other humans anymore
l'll wait awhile and make plans to go enough is enough
there is no room left for me here

xmas blues

not feeling the best lately ---------confused
its probably xmas coming
 l used to love xmas, but now it just reminds me of what has gone from my life.
when l was little the whole world was wonderful
as l grew my world got smaller and smaller
now its just Andy and the grandbabies and my animals
l am so scared l'm going to loss them too.
1st ming my blue eyed angel
then tiny little churchy who had hung on forever.

who's next it comes in 3's l have one more to loss

that scares me so much, as l dont have alot left

As long as my Andy and grandbabies are ok l'll make it

if not................................................