not so bad

Well Tassy was a nightmare a few wonderful times but I really was up to it.
Celly did a wonderful job cleaning up, its made life so much easier. I really just didn't know where to start and the more I tried the more depressed I got. She's  a wonderful daughter for helping so much I don't think she knows how much she helped.
Andy poor darling I wish there was something I could do to help but I know there isn't it breaks my heart to see him so stressed and tried all the time' BUT its not for ever thank the heavens
I'm going off my pills it was a bit rough at first but its so much better now. Off to see the gyno next Thursday not looking forward to that probably an op oh my fav thing to pass the time as if that wasn't bad enough my good knee (left) is giving me so much pain and these bloody hot flushes. well its time to stop complaining and just get on one last thing haven't seen my grandbabies for over a week WHAT'S NEW!!!

Good News Bad News

good news going to tassy bad news going to tassy  I really want to be there with hubby BUT I really hate the travelling I wish I could just click my fingers and be there but no its packing thats the 1st problem I have close to no clothes that fit me since I turned into a mammoth. then there's the trip to the airport which takes close forever. then there's the waiting for the bloody plane hoping nothings gone wrong and that we can finally get on the bloody plane and the stupid check points like I would attack someone with a butter knife b** morons. Finally get there and I'm dead on my feet, haven't finished yet then the book in at the hotel. finally get to your room and fall in a heap NO NO NO we have to go look around WHY?    I love my hubby to bits but there are times I really could just clock him. Men seem to travel better or maybe everyone else on the planet travels better than me I'm just so stressed I want to cry I love going to tassy but as I said I HATE THE THE BLOODY GETTING THERE AND COMING BACK OHHHHH Nooooooooo

stunned

Its hard to understand things when in your head you have already made up your mind. Then you learn something about them and it throws you for a loop. Someone who I believed to be kind and gentle and caring human being has turned into a wife abusing creep. I feel hurt, angry and so let down! Why????????? I just don't understand how I of all people couldn't see that in him I suppose you only see what you want to see or you only see what they let you see. I want to catch a plane and go visit him and abuse him to see if he even half understands what he has done. I'm angry enough to do it right now but I know me I will get half way there and come to my senses and I know doing that wont change anything.why do some people never grow up he has 2 beautiful kids, what is he thinking or is he??? those kids will grow up and hate him and that is exactly what he deserves WHY????? did he do this is he sick or just a bastard. After my kids sperm dona I would have thought I would recognise a bastard a mile away, but I've been spoilt rotten the last 20+ years I've lost my touch. I just don't know what to do or say to his poor wife she is such a wonderful woman and the kids only know what they see oh gods please do something to bring to his senses and have the fabulous life that is waiting for him cos if he stays on this road he will have nothing but pain sorrow and torment of the soul for the rest of his days he has a chance to change that I wonder if he will????????????????????            

Grief

well another day sick. went to the dr's this morning "chest infection" again and its also time for your favourite delight vit b12 injection. woopy I was so excited NOT. Zita returns from tassy business trip on Saturday so lunch BBQ Sunday. I wish Chrissie would go but I know she won't, she is always going on about something or another but never let me share with my grand kids.I feel I hardly know my grandson and we were so close but that was the problem I was too close. I often wonder how she would have felt/feel if I had stopped her being so close to my father. she says she loves me but does every thing to the opposite I am only good for what I can give her I wonder if she knows how like her father she really is. How have I managed to bring up 3 children who don't like me. I gave them everything I could but it wasn't enough. I wonder what would have been enough maybe I should have given them to their father maybe that was my major mistake maybe I should have lied to them. I will never know and that makes me grief ridden

Anniversary of brother

hello self   not feeling well this head cold is killing me. I think if my head exploded I would probably feel better.   got a strange call from Celly asking if I rang Zita last night asking her not to come here??????????????  pardon    what...who??????? Well it wasn't me. Well I don't think it was me!! I don't remember doing it its really hard when you can't trust your own brain, never mind, finally got in contact with Zita and think maybe a wrong number, maybe Ross but I really dont know. Zita is in Tassy for work conf' the kids are fighting big time and she is not coping very well, wish I could give her a big hug but I'd give her this wretched cold.
Rick died this time last year, silly but I miss him or maybe the thought that he's not where he should be. In my mind I put people in - say - boxes, each person belongs in a box with other people from that same box. Then I have problems when people die, cos, there not in there box. Then I put the dead ones in a cloudy place, not heaven or hell just a cloudy place to deal with them, when I'm there with them. I can't deal with them while I'm here, its one of those strange rules I have.  
It upsets me to hear zitas kids are being so horrible to her, I wish there was something I could do to help. I feel so lousy this cold is really getting me down and the house looks like some mad crazy cat lady lives here but its so hard to do anything cos everything I do causes pain,
Have I mentioned I hate pain I'm so tired of being in pain every bloody day after day after day and forever

stuff

I really must be more careful with what I say . Upset hubby the other day, I didn't mean to I was talking about some stupid program on the T.V and he thought I was having a go at him. He is so stressed I must be more careful . I have woken with a sore throat.  I must have been breathing through my mouth its a real cutting pain oh gord add it to the bloody list, god above what will I be like in 30 years. Scary thought ! I wonder if I'II see jordy and eve married with little ones that would be so cute. hold on I haven't even seen celly or ang with little ones yet I often wonder if I will. Hubbys father rang tonight (last night 3:27am now) wanted to know if everything is ok I told it was I don't want him to worry he's got enough on his plate he is such a sweet man I'm glad Andy took after him and not the other one. But he gets his looks from her side strange, the men on her side are very handsome lucky me. Hubby stuck in tassy for the night, the airline people have rebooked him for this morning 6;30 am gave the passengers tea and bed. oh its freezing here I doubt tassy is much better poor love. good side he will be home in a few hours. bad side he wont be home for ages, love ya poppet xx

fingers crossed

my dear  sweet hubby bought me a car   mmmmmmmmmmmmm   slight problem I don't like it. Don't get me wrong its a beautiful car very clean lovely shade of navy blue. but it feels wrong it feels like a boys car maybe I just need time I'm dreading the fact that my little red car is going to the scrapers I know its too expensive to fix but I really like her (ruby) why am I feeling like this I've had a really strange week I've not felt well in my self at all and my body is in pain again maybe thats why I feel weird about the car. I hope I get over this I know my hubby really likes this car. I feel really rotten about this whole thing. give my self time. twice this week I haven't been able to leave the house sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole time just give it time and I know I'II be fine again  fingers crossed.