I have just spent the last 4 weeks of my life in the county court in melbourne as a jury member. there are 12 of us its so boring we mostly just stand up and sit down and walk in and out of court. Hoping it will finish this week I am so over waking up at 6am and traveling to the railway station to get a parking spot before 7:30am. to then sit in the car for 1 hour my train arrives at 8:30 am I read and drink coffee. I then catch my train to flagstaff station and wander up to the ground as its underground. I then go to petty sessions cafe and have more coffee go into the court building go to the loo then go outside again for a smoke return go up stairs and get more coffee and try really hard to interact with strangers that I would never in my life assocate with its so dam weird then the green man pops his head through the door to count us and we sit sometimes for hours going crazy or sometimes we go straight in for maybe 5mins to 1 and half hours then lunch more coffee more smokes back to court to do the same all over again then trudge home on the train filled with strange people who go to enourse lengths not to notice there on a train very strange. I finally arrive at home so tired I can't think I'II be so glad when this has fially ened but when will that be hoping the end of this week keeping my fingers crossed.

Not a good day SAD

Celly's gone to Cairns today so I went and picked up her car from the machanics at melbournes cheapest cars thats where james works. I didn't really wan to see him but he saw me and called out so I was stuck talking to him Its not that I don't like James it just that it reminds me how much I miss his mum Cal. I'm so sad now, and I have no one to talk to , I can't talk to Kaye she's not well I can't talk to Chris she's on another planet Ang is totally out of the question My brothers are useless at the best of the time.Andy is just so overloaded at the moment it wouldn't be fair So that leaves me all alone. Feeling very sorry for myself, Life wasn't meant to be like this Why did Cal have to go I could name a dozen or more people that could go and It would have no lasting effect on me, but Cal I miss so much and I feel so lonely when I think about all the brilliant times we HAD.

I'm just feeling sad

halloween

Its been a strange few weeks, Chrissie broke her car and I offered to help ( cure my goodwill) It ended up costing $1,000 and 5 days of hell listening to warren curse out my daughter in front of the kids (12, 3)
I really just wanted to backhand him in the face more the once. But instead I just switched the off button in my head. I've been so tired Chris and warren are still fighting as far as I know but they don't answer any of there phone. it makes me a little mental well a lot. I've been thinking alot about the past which has been making me feel sad I miss my parents so so much Andy as always has been brilliant I couldn't ask for a sweeter kinder person in my life I often wonder why he puts up with all my rubbish. But I love him more than anything and I know he loves me too. lucky me.
Angie has been popping up lately, not sure why, hope it doesn't end in disaster .
just had a great halloween had andy home for 4 days which was excellent but my back has been playing up something awful on last book of the harper series back to sookie soon

nothing to say

Weird times

its been a weird few weeks either I'm up and other halfs down or I'm down and  other halfs up.
I worry for him as he is not happy and very tired . I know its not for ever and with time everything will be good again but I do wish he would take some time off and RELAX I dont think he even remembers how to its been so long. I keep seeing a black dog ever since the op the other week it means huge change but what I'm not a good waiter maybe he is just checking up on me no other clues no crows no dead plants or double moons nothing but this black dog and  its only for a sec then he runs off as clear as day mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
went to visit celly's dog and stayed for a movie it was an awful movie so we came home other half hunger and tired so I feed him and he's gone to bed I think I'II join him
Goodnight

not so bad

Well Tassy was a nightmare a few wonderful times but I really was up to it.
Celly did a wonderful job cleaning up, its made life so much easier. I really just didn't know where to start and the more I tried the more depressed I got. She's  a wonderful daughter for helping so much I don't think she knows how much she helped.
Andy poor darling I wish there was something I could do to help but I know there isn't it breaks my heart to see him so stressed and tried all the time' BUT its not for ever thank the heavens
I'm going off my pills it was a bit rough at first but its so much better now. Off to see the gyno next Thursday not looking forward to that probably an op oh my fav thing to pass the time as if that wasn't bad enough my good knee (left) is giving me so much pain and these bloody hot flushes. well its time to stop complaining and just get on one last thing haven't seen my grandbabies for over a week WHAT'S NEW!!!

Good News Bad News

good news going to tassy bad news going to tassy  I really want to be there with hubby BUT I really hate the travelling I wish I could just click my fingers and be there but no its packing thats the 1st problem I have close to no clothes that fit me since I turned into a mammoth. then there's the trip to the airport which takes close forever. then there's the waiting for the bloody plane hoping nothings gone wrong and that we can finally get on the bloody plane and the stupid check points like I would attack someone with a butter knife b** morons. Finally get there and I'm dead on my feet, haven't finished yet then the book in at the hotel. finally get to your room and fall in a heap NO NO NO we have to go look around WHY?    I love my hubby to bits but there are times I really could just clock him. Men seem to travel better or maybe everyone else on the planet travels better than me I'm just so stressed I want to cry I love going to tassy but as I said I HATE THE THE BLOODY GETTING THERE AND COMING BACK OHHHHH Nooooooooo

stunned

Its hard to understand things when in your head you have already made up your mind. Then you learn something about them and it throws you for a loop. Someone who I believed to be kind and gentle and caring human being has turned into a wife abusing creep. I feel hurt, angry and so let down! Why????????? I just don't understand how I of all people couldn't see that in him I suppose you only see what you want to see or you only see what they let you see. I want to catch a plane and go visit him and abuse him to see if he even half understands what he has done. I'm angry enough to do it right now but I know me I will get half way there and come to my senses and I know doing that wont change anything.why do some people never grow up he has 2 beautiful kids, what is he thinking or is he??? those kids will grow up and hate him and that is exactly what he deserves WHY????? did he do this is he sick or just a bastard. After my kids sperm dona I would have thought I would recognise a bastard a mile away, but I've been spoilt rotten the last 20+ years I've lost my touch. I just don't know what to do or say to his poor wife she is such a wonderful woman and the kids only know what they see oh gods please do something to bring to his senses and have the fabulous life that is waiting for him cos if he stays on this road he will have nothing but pain sorrow and torment of the soul for the rest of his days he has a chance to change that I wonder if he will????????????????????            

Grief

well another day sick. went to the dr's this morning "chest infection" again and its also time for your favourite delight vit b12 injection. woopy I was so excited NOT. Zita returns from tassy business trip on Saturday so lunch BBQ Sunday. I wish Chrissie would go but I know she won't, she is always going on about something or another but never let me share with my grand kids.I feel I hardly know my grandson and we were so close but that was the problem I was too close. I often wonder how she would have felt/feel if I had stopped her being so close to my father. she says she loves me but does every thing to the opposite I am only good for what I can give her I wonder if she knows how like her father she really is. How have I managed to bring up 3 children who don't like me. I gave them everything I could but it wasn't enough. I wonder what would have been enough maybe I should have given them to their father maybe that was my major mistake maybe I should have lied to them. I will never know and that makes me grief ridden

Anniversary of brother

hello self   not feeling well this head cold is killing me. I think if my head exploded I would probably feel better.   got a strange call from Celly asking if I rang Zita last night asking her not to come here??????????????  pardon    what...who??????? Well it wasn't me. Well I don't think it was me!! I don't remember doing it its really hard when you can't trust your own brain, never mind, finally got in contact with Zita and think maybe a wrong number, maybe Ross but I really dont know. Zita is in Tassy for work conf' the kids are fighting big time and she is not coping very well, wish I could give her a big hug but I'd give her this wretched cold.
Rick died this time last year, silly but I miss him or maybe the thought that he's not where he should be. In my mind I put people in - say - boxes, each person belongs in a box with other people from that same box. Then I have problems when people die, cos, there not in there box. Then I put the dead ones in a cloudy place, not heaven or hell just a cloudy place to deal with them, when I'm there with them. I can't deal with them while I'm here, its one of those strange rules I have.  
It upsets me to hear zitas kids are being so horrible to her, I wish there was something I could do to help. I feel so lousy this cold is really getting me down and the house looks like some mad crazy cat lady lives here but its so hard to do anything cos everything I do causes pain,
Have I mentioned I hate pain I'm so tired of being in pain every bloody day after day after day and forever

stuff

I really must be more careful with what I say . Upset hubby the other day, I didn't mean to I was talking about some stupid program on the T.V and he thought I was having a go at him. He is so stressed I must be more careful . I have woken with a sore throat.  I must have been breathing through my mouth its a real cutting pain oh gord add it to the bloody list, god above what will I be like in 30 years. Scary thought ! I wonder if I'II see jordy and eve married with little ones that would be so cute. hold on I haven't even seen celly or ang with little ones yet I often wonder if I will. Hubbys father rang tonight (last night 3:27am now) wanted to know if everything is ok I told it was I don't want him to worry he's got enough on his plate he is such a sweet man I'm glad Andy took after him and not the other one. But he gets his looks from her side strange, the men on her side are very handsome lucky me. Hubby stuck in tassy for the night, the airline people have rebooked him for this morning 6;30 am gave the passengers tea and bed. oh its freezing here I doubt tassy is much better poor love. good side he will be home in a few hours. bad side he wont be home for ages, love ya poppet xx

fingers crossed

my dear  sweet hubby bought me a car   mmmmmmmmmmmmm   slight problem I don't like it. Don't get me wrong its a beautiful car very clean lovely shade of navy blue. but it feels wrong it feels like a boys car maybe I just need time I'm dreading the fact that my little red car is going to the scrapers I know its too expensive to fix but I really like her (ruby) why am I feeling like this I've had a really strange week I've not felt well in my self at all and my body is in pain again maybe thats why I feel weird about the car. I hope I get over this I know my hubby really likes this car. I feel really rotten about this whole thing. give my self time. twice this week I haven't been able to leave the house sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole time just give it time and I know I'II be fine again  fingers crossed.

fear and frustration

Loneliness is a state of mind. Its when you feel incomplete without that special person, that person you get out of bed for. The one who tells you silly stories and makes you laugh. Fear is when you think they may no longer be there, heart breaking insane hurt will consume you, like a fire consumes wood. best not to think about it and when he is near I don't think about it. Its when he drives away, all the crazies on the road may take him from me. Stop it Stop it. He is safely in bed now sleeping like an angel that he is. I've never loved someone as much as I love him. live for now not what might be . You must keep yourself busy, this body lets me down so much I could scream sometimes when no ones about I do scream not in pain but total frustration. Every day as I wake my 1st thought is BODY please work today I have so much to do. Maybe tomorrow :o)

what a strange world

Its so hard sometimes I wonder what being dead would be like, I know my hubby would be heartbroken. As I would be if he was gone. Death is so final. I wonder if my my children would even notice for more than a few days. cos life goes on but why does life go on ,more hardship, more pain, a brain that doesn't work and a body that struggles to walk much less anything else. If my hubby wasn't around, I know what I would do, but for him I struggle on. I must keep going because when I finally die a part of him will always be with me. I will wait for him as he would wait for me. Never to be parted for long. Things will get better, funny though I have a tumour and no one has even mentioned it, no asking if I have made the app to see the dr nothing. I hope it doesn't kill me, they will all be left wondering what happened . I don't think they even remember that its there. I feel like I'm so unimportant, until they need something from me. mmmmmmmmmmm what a strange world, what strange creatures we humans are.

Rain Rain Rain

What a strange day, my hubby woke me at some ungodly hour of the morning. Which he would have been in trouble, if he hadn't. Poor bugger, can't win. Got to love the boy, he drove to the station I think, I'm not quite sure. I think I drove back, well I must have the cars in the drive. I went back to bed, woken rather rudely by a huge clash of thunder, set the dogs off barking madly but not sure in which direction to run in. I just laid there not really caring, finally I got up played the computer for a while. Remembered I had to go to the chemist or I'd end up with one god awful headache from my neck as I had run out of pills. So, what else did I have to do ? while I was out, ahh the dr drop off  vit B 12 , My glasses needed reshaping after I mangled them in my hand bag. So with my list of things to do I bravely faced the rain, oh god no, LUCY got out and ran all over the front yard. Cooing to her that bloodly dog wouldn't come near me. 20 mins later I chased her around the yard like some demented lunny sopping wet, tripping over everthing. Finally she ran to the front door, I got her and chucked her in the back seat, off to run my tasks, moaning wet dog in backseat. Rain bucketing down, Lucy not my favorite furry, got to the dr's no parking bad luck parked in drs spot ran in gave them vit b12. Then drove to the chemist, went next door to nik nak shop and of course found stuff I couldn't live without, got meds then off to the glasses shop in mordi. That man is so sweet no probs glasses fixed in a flash no charge even better. Unable to resist, went down to the op shop and found heaps of stuff I had to have came home and fell in a heap then wondered how my boy was hoping he was safe missing him as I always do, he is a very dear sweet bundle of yummyness thank the gods he will be home in 2 days.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Its so easy to be selfish, its so easy to know what you want. Its hard to watch the person you love most in the world go through hardship, stress, lack of peaceful sleep and worry. and you can do nothing, its very isolating and very lonely. he is so busy and tired, he doesn't know your even there. but you can't get angry its not fair on him to add even more stress, so, you say nothing. but you feel too much, once your rock, once your safe harbour now the gap is getting wider and wider, but still you can only wait, and hope. soon please make it soon. your love for him is still strong, you want to lash out at someone but there's no one there. your bodies broken ,your mind is slipping, but your heart longs to hold him close and know he is completely yours mind and soul.

Exploding head day

I have the worst headache today my sinus is all blocked up I'm a mess. Sorry just having a sook. problem problems problems seem to jump from one mess to another sarah / chrissie   sarah / garry  my car the lemon celly's dogs andy's work what future is there if any the house inside and out then to top off my cake theirs my health. sometimes its not worth getting out of bed today is one of those days.I have no-one to talk to as they all have problems much bigger than mine. I know I'II be ok just sooking sometimes just writing it down helps it go away whats that saying   "suck it up princess" I'm going back to bed before my head explodes everything seems worse when you have a headache tata for now

May regrets

21 st may 2012
My hubby's in tassy its very quite here with him gone. I feel a little wobbly when he's not around, I always hope that its not putting too much pressure on him . He is such a darling I miss him something awful. Its my sons birthday tomorrow he will be 32 years old, I've not had much to do with him since he where 14 years old he went to live with his father, well really I made him go there. I don't regret the reasons at the time , but I have missed him something horrible. I often see mums with grown up sons, and my heart aches knowing I have a son who doesn't want to be around me. Well I suppose that's the price I had to pay. Cel says he's doing well and is nice to be around that makes it a bit easier to take. maybe one day I will have him back, its not looking as though it will be anytime soon.

stress

lifes been a bit stressed lately Poor hubby getting attacked at every turn there closing down his college.
not only do they carry on like pork chops at work but they are ringing him at home. Its not fair its too much stress I'm getting really worried for him he looks so tired, nods off all the time. just have to get through the next years or so and I'm sure things will be better, its the getting through that could be tricky I'II keep you posted

A little lost

Hello self   how are you really?
Well where do I start
health?
hubby?
friends?
kids?
inability to clean house make dr app ect?
I'm tired so very tired right down to my bones, worried sick about things I can't control
No matter what I say or do it makes no real difference
Most of the time I don't even want to get out of bed .
I don't often leave the house now.
Things in my head are driving me up the wall
This is always a bad time of year for me but this year I feel battered from all sides.
An over whelming sadness.
I wish I had someone to talk to
But at the moment everyone else seems to have bigger nastier problems than I do.
They have enough without me adding to there already overloaded minds and souls.
I just pray I'II get some sleep maybe tomorrow I will be able to force myself into
a better mind fingers crossed.

oh what a day....................... part 2

Get home just after midnight my hubby feeds our little monsters, did something on the computer and while we were sitting there, we hear a large crash hubby says its one of the cats knocking down a paint tin he rights it everything fine. I go to let the dogs back in the house and stand in a puddle of green paint , what the ...........
where did this come from, hubby looking confused (soooo cute that look) an old tin that had crash to the floor moments before was leaking green paint everywhere, several things we just through away, then clean up. Only 1 cat and 1 dog walked through the green paint,  so hubby goes madly chasing the dog yelling at him to stop.It didn't work he just freak out and started to run around the kitchen and he is a big boy ( the dog) hubby finally corners him and starts washing his feet. Poor dog had no idea what was going on. meanwhile pussy cat has to get in on the act unbeknown to us she has all 4 feet covered in green paint she's now in the bath room cope with that in the morning. What poor hubby doesn't know is the cat walked all over the sofa and 1 armchair I'm saying nothing hubbys gone to bed and now I'm going to join him oh what a day!.......................

oh my what a day....................part1..

had 2hours sleep wondering around like a zombie played cards for 3 hours. Went back to bed 9am slept for 4 hours got up feeling more human phone rings (I hate phones) a very dear friend ringing me to tell me something about a book .I have no idea what she is talking about tell her I'II ring her back. conference with hubby, thats ok sort that, to find  (she has only been out of hospital less than a week) her dear sweet husband has gone up to the country (his folks farm) cos he needs a break. Leaving my friend to cope with 2 teenagers all their friends and driving them all over. There are times in my life I can half understand men but most of the time I am completely baffled.I find most of them I just dont want anything to do with there all insane!!!!
OK its baby sitting night. So have to get my head together I grab a coffee no sooner had I sat down off goes the phone (in my head I think oh what has my friend forgotten) so I pick up...........its not her Its another close friend from interstate, (some days you really should stay in bed) her husband has just taken a 10 day holiday in Thailand on his own yeah I really beleive that funny his wife had the same thoughts. He then very sweetly tells her the marriage of 18 years is over my friend not really bothered as she had planned to leave him when their youngest (who is 12yrs) turned 18. Her husband wants to set her up in a flat in town and give her an allowance. I almost choked when I heard that as they live on a 20 acre farm. my friend not being the idiot that her husband thought she was just laughted and said no way I'm not leaving ect ect ect about a 2 hour phone call
I had to go cos it was baby sitting time, spent a wonderful time playing with my granddaughter who I dont spend much time with she is  2yrs had a great talk with my grandson who is 12yrs life is very serious when your 12. finally mum and dad got back from the wedding they had been to, we headed home.

thoughts

well it wasn't a very happy wedding anni my hubby bought me some really beautiful things but I hadn't left the house all day, so he got nothing. I felt really bad and so I should, but there are days that I don't leave the house. That can turn to weeks. I get ready to go and just as I'm about to leave I get a rotten feeling that something really bad will happen if I open the door. YES I do know that sounds silly but it so over whelming. I have trouble breathing, I see double or everything goes wobbly and I can't focus. I basically freak out. So I go sit down hoping if I wait the feelings will go, but alas it can take hours to stop. Its really not worth fighting it. I end up so tired I go to bed. I find the best way is to just go, no plan, no appointment and I'm ok but if I have to wait, I just can't do it . Maybe one day it will go away, that would be really nice. Sleeping is my other problem or I should  say lack there of but that's for another day.
The worst thing about all this is I feel so lousy for my poor suffering hubby.
Its easy to be the one with the problem its not so easy to stand and watch the love of your life go through it.
maybe that why he was made so perfect but please don't tell him I'II never hear the end of it

SAD DAY

Its anzac here in australia its also the Anniversary of my mothers passing away its 12 years now I still miss her so much I often wonder "what would mum say" what would she do/ think> its also my 13th wedding Anniversary yesterday. WHAT A WEEK ITS BEEN I always remember Carol my dearest best friend who died a few years ago I miss her something awful There are things I could only talk to her about and she understood me no explaining no excuses and my brother who died last  and dad its over 20 years now You had all be together looking after each other love and miss all of you and thankyou for being in my life and making me a better person hugs and kisses til we meet again and I know we will LOVE YOU .

oh to have my body back

This is me before I got sick Dec 2010

Our daughter Chrissie, our grandson Jordan, our granddaughter Eve.

bolt from the dark blue

RMIT has just closed down the printing department which means my hubby has no job.I'm stunned, I don't know what to think or do. He's just rang and told me ,he's very upset. watch this space to see what will happen. Its not fair he's a natural teacher what will he do now. What can I do to make it better? I feel angry, sad, and bewildered  Poor darling he's always been such a good person this is so unfair. At times life really sucks. Its raining outside matches my mood. we will just have to muck along together and see what happens. something will turn up I'm sure. Well here we go along another turn in the road of life, seems dark now but I know the sun will be shining soon. Wish us well.

Our all black little girl

This is our latest cat "Goblin" She is now one (that went fast)

Saturday afternoon 21/4/2012

well here I am its not such a bad day pain in lower back and knees. been e-baying buying things to make cards hopefully I will get the energy to get there and craft. I really miss crafting , all I can do at the present is watch t.v ,go on computer , crochet . The hot flushes are doing my head in. must visit the girls I said I'd come sometime on the weekend I wish they would talk to each other it would make my life so much easier. My darling hubby's watching footy yuck (his only fault) lucky hey.

sunny tuesday

well its Tuesday I live here with my 6 cats and 2 dogs, 3 birds and one long suffering hubby whom I love very much. I'm in pain again ...whats new...
anyway its a lovely sunny day hard to believe my 2 closest friends are having such troubles in there lives. they are such beautiful women who really don't deserve whats going on and here I am so far away I can't do much but listen and try to make them feel better. I'm very lucky to have the life I have surrounded by people and animals who love me. I never dreamed my life would turn out like this, I'm so glad it has.