hope for the future

another day of wondering
went to bed last night and Andy was really aweful
but he wasn't awake and he never talks to me like that ever
l think its the end of the most awful year
just haven't been able to catch a trick this yr its just been terrible.
I think we'll just have to rule a line under it and put it behind us.
nightmare or what.
2015 is going to be wonderful for us

sigh

Andy trys so hard to be nice but l feel totally detacted
l dont know what l feel
still in pain
still hurting from the lack of understanding
still smarting from what my - so - called loving children do and dont do
l just want to get away
l want to hide
where no one knows me
where no one can pity me
where l can be me
pain and all
not judged
for my lack of housework, lack of humour, lack of forgiveness.
why has it come to this ??
how do l keep going
where do l go what do l do
l'm screaming inside my head because l know there is no point speaking any more
there is no one left to listen and understand

saturday 6th december 2014 WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT

I SERIOUSLY DONT GET THE POINT
Andy asked me a month ago to make him a poncho brilliant l'd love too BUT at the moment l have tennis elbow the pain is overwhelming things l could do before l cant do now its been almost 2mths l stupidly thought he got that BUT NO HE DIDNT
tonight he asked if l could make a mans size poncho (with my wrecked elbow) by xmas
l almost fell off my chair has he been living under a rock
Or is it that he just doesnt know l'm in pain every day just trying to carry dinner plates from the dishwasher to the cupboard is almost too much.
l've never felt so alone l feel l should go away and forget all humans go live in a forest and hope like hell a bushfire comes and l can no longer be
my kids dont care
my brothers dont care
now
even my husband doesnt care
l'm so angry and so hurt l should have stayed on my own
l dont beleive l'm meant to be around other humans anymore
l'll wait awhile and make plans to go enough is enough
there is no room left for me here

xmas blues

not feeling the best lately ---------confused
its probably xmas coming
 l used to love xmas, but now it just reminds me of what has gone from my life.
when l was little the whole world was wonderful
as l grew my world got smaller and smaller
now its just Andy and the grandbabies and my animals
l am so scared l'm going to loss them too.
1st ming my blue eyed angel
then tiny little churchy who had hung on forever.

who's next it comes in 3's l have one more to loss

that scares me so much, as l dont have alot left

As long as my Andy and grandbabies are ok l'll make it

if not................................................

goodbye for now Church my sweet Angel

20th november2014
church went to get her wings poor baby died in my arms with me whispering how much l loved her
l tried so hard not to cry the poor vet it must be the worst of her job
l made it to the car and broke down howled like a child
church had a brain hemorage ( sure thats not how you spell it)
   
she could feel her body but had no control she couldn't stand she'd just flop to the floor l know she was old l know it was her time but lossing her so soon after Ming just seems really unfair
my heart is having trouble feeling anything but sad and lost
kisses to you my darlings fly free glad there is no more pain miss you both terribly xxoo

november 2014 rabblings of an ol' cranky granny

16th November 2014
it was dad's birthday yesterday l wish he was here so l could talk to him l miss so very much
He would have been 90yrs old if he were still alive
l miss my ming
the piggies have been great fun there so sweet and cute
poor Andy is so tired all the time l feel l've let him down by not working just living off him
l wish so many things where different
l love him so much l really get scared he will go out that door one day and
never come back
l would be so lost without him
l think that would be the end of me
l've been having such aweful dreams
running - hiding - being scared - my skin crawling but l cant see what is doing it
dark such very dark dreams
sounds silly when l write then pdown but i wake my head spinning
pain in my shoulders neck lower back hips and now my arms often one
of my hands has pin and needles
l'm a wreck
wish l could trade this body for one that worked better

its me again

23rd october 2014 thursday 9 mins to 3pm
still missing my angel trying to distract myself with the guinea pigs but l cant do much my elbow is so bloody sore it hurts all the time 3 weeks now Eric thinks l've torn something in my shoulder. l'm not good at this 1 arm crap getting more and more pissed off feeding the dogs last night was a slight to be seen half on the floor bloody arm just wont work this is taking ages left handed
just fed up want my queensland baby back only consulation is l know she's happy and health with brack and ishta gandy miss you my darlin's xxxx see you soon

goodbye my sweet Angel Ming

Ming has not been well for the last 3mths.
She kept trying to tell me it was time to go but I didnt want to listen.
she got her wing today at 2pm
It broke my heart my sweet little Angel has gone
Andy and I buried her next to Bracken in the front yard
we said our goodbyes
the hole in my heart hurts like someone has punched me
Sleep well little one I will always love you xxx

october 12th 2014

my arm is so painful l could scream. cant do anything even lifting up coffee cup hurts writing this l'm hold this arm with the other i can cope with pain in my legs ,back ect but not my head and arms hands. its so shitty. the is a disarter area (wrong spelling) lts like living in a trash bin l got outside to get away from the mess and now andys doing the same l have to somehow tidy up and not end up in a screaming heap maybe painkillers before l start it will mask the pain till lm finished it should take a couple of days andy wont notice he will just think l'm having a wobbly week mmmm must think about this plan cant write anymore hurts too much bloody arm

sad day

went to trixy's mum's funeral 29th (today) it was sad but a releif that poor lal was no longer in pain she been so unwell these past few years in a nursing home not being able to feed her self barely beibg able to walk or talk and stroke after stroke after stroke. she was such a beautiful person in looks and in self. trixy's holding up really well l think its  a relief its finally over watching someone you love slip inch by inch can just be too much to bare.
trixy has been divorced 1 yr  now settlement has finally gone through she's thinking of moving back to melbourne to live that will be great. l wonder what her boys will do stay in tassy or move here. lm glad she has finally gotten rid of that evil control freak. now she can be happy and live as she pleases without being insulted 24/7
kay (kerryn) was at the funeral it was brilliant catching up with her, funny she hasnt changed that much at all reminds me a bit of celly with all her diamonds and pearls.
she remembers alot about my 1st marriage l suppose because we where still in touch then. the look on Andy's face poor darling l think it made it a bit too real.
funny Kay knows more about that time than my own kids.
weird my children dont really know me at all
l think alot but l dont tell anyone cos no one really wants to know l understand that if l had a choice l wouldnt want to know either
l hope l see her again
lm so sore and so bone tired but not sleepy my mind is racing in circles l suppose lm lonely its a weird feeling lve never really felt lonely before it will pass lm just tired

betrayed

kaye has been stealing from me and lying to me.
I'm such a fool I think everyone has the same values as me they dont why will I never learn this. My heart has been stomped on AGAIN. there is only one person on the whole planet I can trust, Andy and thats really hard on him. wish I could sleep and forget everything. I'm so tired body and soul. Trust no one less pain that way so over pain

alone 3rd july 2014

its the 3rd of july my mums birthday in 10 days. there are times I feel so alone lost then Andy comes home and I live again its like I'm waiting always waiting. I fill my life with with cats dogs birds and piggies. I love them all dearly. I hardly ever see my children they are grown and have busy lives like I once had. I'm not angry I understand why I dont see them I understand why my husband is missing he too has a busy life. I remember someone once said to me "your like a cork bobbing in the ocean going no where" its taken years for me to understand that. lonely floating along head stuck in yesterday, heart broken over things I cant change. not knowing how to change and when I try my body lets me down and the pain is unbearable but who do I tell ??? if I tell my kids there to busy to do anything, if I tell my husband he freaks out. there is no one I can really talk to, so I talk to myself the cats the dogs the birds and even the piggies. And I dream tomorrow will be better I'm lucky I'm loved.

mothers day

for the 1st time since I had a child 35 years ago I did not see any of my children.
The pain that cause is unimagineable the pain of no mother no best friend of a child I lost and the children I so desprately wanted but couldnt its like poison. the children I did have where too busy to see me that makes me sad .I always hoped Andy and I would have had even 1 child its like proof of our love for each other but that didnt happen it has made me bitter and cruel. my mind screams WHY? I'M NOT A BAD PERSON WHY WHY WHY CANT I HAVE JUST 1 MORE BABY JUST ONE TO ANDY ITS SO UNFAIR THE cruel things that have happened to me this must be the cruelest. i so wanted with all my heart to hold andys baby in my arms and watch it grow to be a fine sweet caring adult just like its father. but once again another dream gone I wonder why I'm here I know life must go on but why all the pain. mum if you can hear know I love you and dad and think of you daily to my son I never knew talk to your grandparents and wait for me. nana I miss you so much I wish we could talk again I need so much to stop this aweful pain may the goddess help me.

15TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Its 15years I've  been married to the most wonderful man. I never dreamed I'd be so lucky. He's so sweet, but he scares me the way he doesn't look after himself but looks after everyone else. I dont want to be alone again, he works too hard and doesnt sleep enough I cant seem to get through to him that this job isnt forever and he must take care if anything were to happen to him. I know I would just die. chrissie seems to be my only child who even half understands me, the other are on some other planet. for whatever reason they beleive they should tell me how to live my life and what to do. I often wonder do they ever think how did mum ever get to 54 on her own, without us demanding she do it our way there lack of respect is very disappointing and down right rude. I brought them up to be there own person but Ang and Cel are not what I expected at all. I just hope there happy and that one day they will find someone (like I have) to share there lives with. Anyway had a wonderful day today went driving with my dear heart and we talked and talked it was fab I do miss him alot but as I told him its not forever but I'II be here forever so when this time has passed everything will be great once more I thank the goddess for brining him into my life

to my children after I pass away 2014

to my dearest children
I have never told you alot of things I went through to keep you safe and with me.
I ran away from your father because he beat and raped me, for years I was scared out of my mind he tried to kill me sereval times he treatened to kill any family member who helped me leave him. I had never been so frightened in my life he promised he would kill you if I took you away.He promised he would make me suffer you would have had another brother but we had a fight and he beat me unconious, your brothers name is Aiden James he died because your father beat me up so badly that Aiden died when I was only 6mths pregnant with him I never saw him the hospital just took him away,I found him at fawkner cemertry he is close to where my parents are buried he's under a big rock his name is not there but he is with alot of other babies that died at western general hospital footscray (as it was called then). he is the child between Angie and Celly. Your father said "sorry" the day we went to Aunty Marilyns baby (bianca) funeral at a hospital in the city some where, it was the only ackowledgement he ever made of the event. I have always wanted you to have whatever kind of relationship YOU CHOOSE to have with him. But as children I needed to protect you as well as I could . I tried everything in my power to keep you safe and loved I have never loved anyone the way I love you 3. You where my world my sunrise my sunset and laughter and delight. I'm sorry life was so hard but I did my best and hoped that was enough. You are all adults now your life is your own, your choices are your own I have never stopped loving and loving you. I haven't always agreed with what you have said and done but I have NEVER EVER STOPPED LOVING YOU 3.I wanted you to know you where very sweet children you played together laughter together I hate that you don't speak to each other now it breaks my heart but its your choice. If you remember me think kindly of me I did what I felt I had too.
even though I am no longer here where you can touch me I'm in your blood and the blood of your children be at ease my little ones your mother loved you always and forever.