Dispair

Nov is almost over Xmas will be on us before we know it ............................
feeling sorry for myself walking getting harder, the pain is on me almost all the time. is this how i must live, ??????????????????
l have sausage fingers and feet. l don't know why l just do forgetting things all the time l can be speaking and stop because l have no idea what it was that l"m saying.

mixed up

what a day Andy my love will be home at about 8:30pm he has been gone since Monday morning.
l find it very nerve raking lve been more jumpy than usual sometimes l truely think Andy would be better off without me but then l think what if he went away and l never saw again l'd be heart broken. l don't think Andy really knows how deep our love is, he has become the centre of my life.
Celly is cross at me again (nothing new there)
she can be such a bully, she truely beleive she can fix me.
l love her dearly but she is young its a time of beleiving you can fix everything.
Dont know if Chrissie is up or down she is going through a Divorce.
It's an aweful thing to go through l was always scared he would do something evil.
He did he lived  gggggrrrrr
hot flushes are doing my head in, l get hot, l feel like lm melting and then l'm frozen because the hot flush made me sweat so much. cant win never mind one of thoughs things we as human women must go through. l remember my poor mum melting. l miss her, my dear sweet mummy, soft as vevert smart as a whip and smelt so sweet of tweed / flowers. l only had her for 10yrs as we never got on. but the last 10 yrs it was wonderful.
Feeling a bit worried Alan (dec) june1956
Rick (Dec) 16th March 2011 and now Ross (dec) 6th November 2016
greg arranged the funeral at altona cermatoriam it took a month but he did a lovely job, l think if Ross were there he would say "not a bad do".
l cant beleive l miss this much.

dad

it was dad's birthday yesterday
there are times when l don't remember it and other times when it overwhelms me.
l was alone all day the pain in my back and hips is so unbearable at times l could scream. talked to celly last night, she has an opinion on everything. the latest is l must wrap all my bits and bobs and books in the lounge. because she needs to paint that room. the insane thing is, she carried on for monthes because she bought us a lounge suite that we wouldnt use, because we needed to paint the room. now we are using it she's cross because we should have painted the room first  ggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
cant win either way l'm a shit mum end of story

10 - 11 - 2016 another day

don't know what I'm feeling  angry -sad -be wilded - lost its all so confusing. Alan my brother died (June) before l was born. Rick died 16th march 2011 and now Ross has died on 15th October 2016.
They are no longer here.
l find myself not knowing what to think or write.  I've been not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to do anything. its all too much and for what purpose.?????
why did he wait so long before telling me he was dying ??
he knew for 18mths
he told me 2 weeks(Lee's time) real world 6 weeks before he died

feeling a bit lost

its been a week and 2 days since Ross passed away l still don't beleive it. its like something happened and l am the only one who doesn't know.what it was. everything seems to be too hard, l feel like l have lost something important but l don't know what it was, or where l put it .l see him in my head just doing normal stuff like making coffee sitting and chatting.its so unfair.
the day he came here to tell he had terminal cancer he had told me the night before l'm so glad he did as my reaction would have hurt him.so by the next day l could take the news without the denial.and crying he seemed happy l truely hope he was. l will miss the flash visits and coffee and talking about everything and nothing the family is getting smaller and smaller their is only Greg - Garry - Glenn and me, mum and dad gone rick alan and now ross. its scary to think l might only be here for maybe only 10 years

good bye my brother

at 9:45pm this evening my brother Ross David Carter 61yrs old lost his battle with cancer and we lost a very important member of our family l have the wonderful memories of you but lm feeling lost and broken. watching him take his last breathe my eyes filling with sadness and also joy that he could stop fighting, his pain was gone. l love you rossy david missing your cheeky face already xxxx

sad saturday 8-10-2016

went to see my brother Ross in the Sunshine hospital. the cancer is just eating away at him he knew who l was but couldn't work out who Andy was it was heart breaking. he says a few words like "drink , OK, but that's about it. so sad to see him that way. makes you wonder whats going on in his head. he lay there tinged yellow as his liver is going. you find yourself staring at him not knowing what to say, will he understand? does he even know whats happening to him. we stayed 1 and a half hours he has a head twitch its quite unnerving l'm so glad he didn't die on Eve's birthday she was 7 years old yesterday. seeing him like this makes me wonder how will l go. hope l don't just hang around for months. the weather was nice today a pretty spring day. rang Celly to see how boop is, its not looking good poor baby. he's done his best he doesn't want to leave her but the cancer is eating him up sweet boy, always so happy to see us it will be a very sad day when he goes

Ross Carter

just got a msg from Ross l rang back he is in hospital he got an amblance at 5 am with pains in his side,there checking him all over,at the moment they think its the tumor. this just all wrong. lm feeling really lost and confused what do you?? how do you just pretend everything is fine,when his skin is yellow and so are the whites of his eyes. l'm not really here but a am but l dont want all these bad things

some days just go on forever

its Thursday 29-9-2016 the grandkids over for the day their going through a really hard time poor darlings eve and l played games on the computer Jordan was a bit distant he's only 16yrs poor boy having to grow up before his time. their so called father warren is acting like a real prick he's quit his job so hedoesnt have to pay chrissie for the kids or his half of the house weird thing about the house is its the house he picked and said if he didnt get he would kill himself................. cant beleive he would behave this way
had a love day with the kids feeling unwell
they all went home an hour later distressed phone call from chrissie eve had shut the griller door on the oven and the kitchen was on fire...........freakout time she did really well when she couldnt put the tray (that was on fire) out she through it out the window she got a few splash burns and her hair a little singed (poor darlin) but it could have been much worse thank the mother that they are all fine the firemen came to check out the scene and made sure everything was save and my amazing very tired Andy drove out to see that they were all ok
oh dear what excitment for the end of school holidays
we live another day

so very sad

its been 2 weeks without my sweet Rosy cat she was 17yrs old. were all missing her. think l'll go buy myself 2 zebra finches on a diet 1st time for everything l have lost 2 kilo's in 2 mths, thats just depressing chrissie going through a divorce her drop kick sad excuse of a husband. my poor darlin is having a really rough time and the kids are really confused. Zues (boopy) hasnt got long to live the cancer is eating him alive such a sweet dog always so happy to see us precious boy. Ross my brother dropped a bomb shell on me and andy he has terminal cancer l cry so much when he told me on the phone that made it so much easier when l saw him 2 days later lm on so many pills at the mo trying to work it all out still in pain same sad story. so very happy to have my sweetheart at home l miss him something shocking

may 2016

got bad news last night a dear friend Barbara Meson passed away 4yrs ago but for me it was yesterday.as if l dont have enough pain l need more???
Andy my sweet boy is away working in the country somewhere l get there names all mixed up.
l miss him something awful never did l beleive l would find a soul as sweet as he is, he is my rock in a mountain of wavey seas. celly broke her foot last week. chrissie want to be divorced from warren its so sad and so hard for her.
l got stuck on the floor about 8pm and couldnt get up, but finally l did. causing more pain across my chest. l dont think there is a part of me that doesn't hurt. never mind with a good nights sleep the pain will decrease fingers crossed

pain pain will it ever stop

cant beleive lm still in pain l can bearly walk now. poor Andy has taken over doing the house which is wonderful but he is so tired. he is in Mildura till thursday, miss like crazy. l hate him not being here but to look on the bright side at least he can catch up with some sleep hopefully. he is such a diamond. dont know if celly is talking to us or not nothing ne there chrissie and warren are having a really bad trot at the minute. hopefully they will work it or not l just want them to be happy.
its a tall order but thats what l hope for all my kids. an actuley rang me on my birthday l suppose its cheaper than a card. must write to uncle - sarah- there is some else but my mind is not doing very well.

totally fed up

its been 5mths of pain and no being able to do anything Andy;s very stressed. he;s not handling it very well l cant blame him. not much to say jordy is now 16yrs old l cant beleive it. its just flown pass. have to go and sleep lm so very tired