hope for the future

another day of wondering
went to bed last night and Andy was really aweful
but he wasn't awake and he never talks to me like that ever
l think its the end of the most awful year
just haven't been able to catch a trick this yr its just been terrible.
I think we'll just have to rule a line under it and put it behind us.
nightmare or what.
2015 is going to be wonderful for us

sigh

Andy trys so hard to be nice but l feel totally detacted
l dont know what l feel
still in pain
still hurting from the lack of understanding
still smarting from what my - so - called loving children do and dont do
l just want to get away
l want to hide
where no one knows me
where no one can pity me
where l can be me
pain and all
not judged
for my lack of housework, lack of humour, lack of forgiveness.
why has it come to this ??
how do l keep going
where do l go what do l do
l'm screaming inside my head because l know there is no point speaking any more
there is no one left to listen and understand

saturday 6th december 2014 WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT

I SERIOUSLY DONT GET THE POINT
Andy asked me a month ago to make him a poncho brilliant l'd love too BUT at the moment l have tennis elbow the pain is overwhelming things l could do before l cant do now its been almost 2mths l stupidly thought he got that BUT NO HE DIDNT
tonight he asked if l could make a mans size poncho (with my wrecked elbow) by xmas
l almost fell off my chair has he been living under a rock
Or is it that he just doesnt know l'm in pain every day just trying to carry dinner plates from the dishwasher to the cupboard is almost too much.
l've never felt so alone l feel l should go away and forget all humans go live in a forest and hope like hell a bushfire comes and l can no longer be
my kids dont care
my brothers dont care
now
even my husband doesnt care
l'm so angry and so hurt l should have stayed on my own
l dont beleive l'm meant to be around other humans anymore
l'll wait awhile and make plans to go enough is enough
there is no room left for me here

xmas blues

not feeling the best lately ---------confused
its probably xmas coming
 l used to love xmas, but now it just reminds me of what has gone from my life.
when l was little the whole world was wonderful
as l grew my world got smaller and smaller
now its just Andy and the grandbabies and my animals
l am so scared l'm going to loss them too.
1st ming my blue eyed angel
then tiny little churchy who had hung on forever.

who's next it comes in 3's l have one more to loss

that scares me so much, as l dont have alot left

As long as my Andy and grandbabies are ok l'll make it

if not................................................