Grief

well another day sick. went to the dr's this morning "chest infection" again and its also time for your favourite delight vit b12 injection. woopy I was so excited NOT. Zita returns from tassy business trip on Saturday so lunch BBQ Sunday. I wish Chrissie would go but I know she won't, she is always going on about something or another but never let me share with my grand kids.I feel I hardly know my grandson and we were so close but that was the problem I was too close. I often wonder how she would have felt/feel if I had stopped her being so close to my father. she says she loves me but does every thing to the opposite I am only good for what I can give her I wonder if she knows how like her father she really is. How have I managed to bring up 3 children who don't like me. I gave them everything I could but it wasn't enough. I wonder what would have been enough maybe I should have given them to their father maybe that was my major mistake maybe I should have lied to them. I will never know and that makes me grief ridden

Anniversary of brother

hello self   not feeling well this head cold is killing me. I think if my head exploded I would probably feel better.   got a strange call from Celly asking if I rang Zita last night asking her not to come here??????????????  pardon    what...who??????? Well it wasn't me. Well I don't think it was me!! I don't remember doing it its really hard when you can't trust your own brain, never mind, finally got in contact with Zita and think maybe a wrong number, maybe Ross but I really dont know. Zita is in Tassy for work conf' the kids are fighting big time and she is not coping very well, wish I could give her a big hug but I'd give her this wretched cold.
Rick died this time last year, silly but I miss him or maybe the thought that he's not where he should be. In my mind I put people in - say - boxes, each person belongs in a box with other people from that same box. Then I have problems when people die, cos, there not in there box. Then I put the dead ones in a cloudy place, not heaven or hell just a cloudy place to deal with them, when I'm there with them. I can't deal with them while I'm here, its one of those strange rules I have.  
It upsets me to hear zitas kids are being so horrible to her, I wish there was something I could do to help. I feel so lousy this cold is really getting me down and the house looks like some mad crazy cat lady lives here but its so hard to do anything cos everything I do causes pain,
Have I mentioned I hate pain I'm so tired of being in pain every bloody day after day after day and forever

stuff

I really must be more careful with what I say . Upset hubby the other day, I didn't mean to I was talking about some stupid program on the T.V and he thought I was having a go at him. He is so stressed I must be more careful . I have woken with a sore throat.  I must have been breathing through my mouth its a real cutting pain oh gord add it to the bloody list, god above what will I be like in 30 years. Scary thought ! I wonder if I'II see jordy and eve married with little ones that would be so cute. hold on I haven't even seen celly or ang with little ones yet I often wonder if I will. Hubbys father rang tonight (last night 3:27am now) wanted to know if everything is ok I told it was I don't want him to worry he's got enough on his plate he is such a sweet man I'm glad Andy took after him and not the other one. But he gets his looks from her side strange, the men on her side are very handsome lucky me. Hubby stuck in tassy for the night, the airline people have rebooked him for this morning 6;30 am gave the passengers tea and bed. oh its freezing here I doubt tassy is much better poor love. good side he will be home in a few hours. bad side he wont be home for ages, love ya poppet xx

fingers crossed

my dear  sweet hubby bought me a car   mmmmmmmmmmmmm   slight problem I don't like it. Don't get me wrong its a beautiful car very clean lovely shade of navy blue. but it feels wrong it feels like a boys car maybe I just need time I'm dreading the fact that my little red car is going to the scrapers I know its too expensive to fix but I really like her (ruby) why am I feeling like this I've had a really strange week I've not felt well in my self at all and my body is in pain again maybe thats why I feel weird about the car. I hope I get over this I know my hubby really likes this car. I feel really rotten about this whole thing. give my self time. twice this week I haven't been able to leave the house sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole time just give it time and I know I'II be fine again  fingers crossed.

fear and frustration

Loneliness is a state of mind. Its when you feel incomplete without that special person, that person you get out of bed for. The one who tells you silly stories and makes you laugh. Fear is when you think they may no longer be there, heart breaking insane hurt will consume you, like a fire consumes wood. best not to think about it and when he is near I don't think about it. Its when he drives away, all the crazies on the road may take him from me. Stop it Stop it. He is safely in bed now sleeping like an angel that he is. I've never loved someone as much as I love him. live for now not what might be . You must keep yourself busy, this body lets me down so much I could scream sometimes when no ones about I do scream not in pain but total frustration. Every day as I wake my 1st thought is BODY please work today I have so much to do. Maybe tomorrow :o)

what a strange world

Its so hard sometimes I wonder what being dead would be like, I know my hubby would be heartbroken. As I would be if he was gone. Death is so final. I wonder if my my children would even notice for more than a few days. cos life goes on but why does life go on ,more hardship, more pain, a brain that doesn't work and a body that struggles to walk much less anything else. If my hubby wasn't around, I know what I would do, but for him I struggle on. I must keep going because when I finally die a part of him will always be with me. I will wait for him as he would wait for me. Never to be parted for long. Things will get better, funny though I have a tumour and no one has even mentioned it, no asking if I have made the app to see the dr nothing. I hope it doesn't kill me, they will all be left wondering what happened . I don't think they even remember that its there. I feel like I'm so unimportant, until they need something from me. mmmmmmmmmmm what a strange world, what strange creatures we humans are.

Rain Rain Rain

What a strange day, my hubby woke me at some ungodly hour of the morning. Which he would have been in trouble, if he hadn't. Poor bugger, can't win. Got to love the boy, he drove to the station I think, I'm not quite sure. I think I drove back, well I must have the cars in the drive. I went back to bed, woken rather rudely by a huge clash of thunder, set the dogs off barking madly but not sure in which direction to run in. I just laid there not really caring, finally I got up played the computer for a while. Remembered I had to go to the chemist or I'd end up with one god awful headache from my neck as I had run out of pills. So, what else did I have to do ? while I was out, ahh the dr drop off  vit B 12 , My glasses needed reshaping after I mangled them in my hand bag. So with my list of things to do I bravely faced the rain, oh god no, LUCY got out and ran all over the front yard. Cooing to her that bloodly dog wouldn't come near me. 20 mins later I chased her around the yard like some demented lunny sopping wet, tripping over everthing. Finally she ran to the front door, I got her and chucked her in the back seat, off to run my tasks, moaning wet dog in backseat. Rain bucketing down, Lucy not my favorite furry, got to the dr's no parking bad luck parked in drs spot ran in gave them vit b12. Then drove to the chemist, went next door to nik nak shop and of course found stuff I couldn't live without, got meds then off to the glasses shop in mordi. That man is so sweet no probs glasses fixed in a flash no charge even better. Unable to resist, went down to the op shop and found heaps of stuff I had to have came home and fell in a heap then wondered how my boy was hoping he was safe missing him as I always do, he is a very dear sweet bundle of yummyness thank the gods he will be home in 2 days.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Its so easy to be selfish, its so easy to know what you want. Its hard to watch the person you love most in the world go through hardship, stress, lack of peaceful sleep and worry. and you can do nothing, its very isolating and very lonely. he is so busy and tired, he doesn't know your even there. but you can't get angry its not fair on him to add even more stress, so, you say nothing. but you feel too much, once your rock, once your safe harbour now the gap is getting wider and wider, but still you can only wait, and hope. soon please make it soon. your love for him is still strong, you want to lash out at someone but there's no one there. your bodies broken ,your mind is slipping, but your heart longs to hold him close and know he is completely yours mind and soul.