for the 1st time since I had a child 35 years ago I did not see any of my children.
The pain that cause is unimagineable the pain of no mother no best friend of a child I lost and the children I so desprately wanted but couldnt its like poison. the children I did have where too busy to see me that makes me sad .I always hoped Andy and I would have had even 1 child its like proof of our love for each other but that didnt happen it has made me bitter and cruel. my mind screams WHY? I'M NOT A BAD PERSON WHY WHY WHY CANT I HAVE JUST 1 MORE BABY JUST ONE TO ANDY ITS SO UNFAIR THE cruel things that have happened to me this must be the cruelest. i so wanted with all my heart to hold andys baby in my arms and watch it grow to be a fine sweet caring adult just like its father. but once again another dream gone I wonder why I'm here I know life must go on but why all the pain. mum if you can hear know I love you and dad and think of you daily to my son I never knew talk to your grandparents and wait for me. nana I miss you so much I wish we could talk again I need so much to stop this aweful pain may the goddess help me.
